Becoming an unexpected caregiver changed my relationship with work and life

They say summer is the time for relaxation, but this year, I’ve found myself doing more reflecting than anything else. 

For me, that reflection has been defined by a long goodbye to a special friend. While so many of us are looking for rejuvenation in our personal and professional lives, there is nothing like going outside of your comfort zone to learn lessons that “normalcy” can’t deliver. My recent experience was a wake-up call that life is about so much more than achieving our work goals. 

Last year, I learned that a neighbor of mine was dying. Her name was Phyllis. We didn’t have a close relationship. In fact, I had never formally met her, but I knew that she was battling cancer alone. Her husband had already passed away, they had no children, and most of her friends lived far away. When she asked for help, I was compelled to step in. 

Once a nationally recognized attorney who led highly publicized cases and had even testified before Congress, Phyllis had accomplished more in her work-life than most could ever dream of. I admired everything about her career, until I learned a lesson I’ll never forget. In the end of this illustrious career, she was all alone. Awards, news articles and publications of her success adorning the walls of her home — but no one cared. They were all she had left in the final years. No family or friends to lend support, and hiring a professional caregiver was no longer an option financially. 

Read more: ‘I was just a daughter and a mother’: Sandwich caregivers struggle to manage it all

I stepped in as nothing more than a neighbor at first, figuring a day or two of help would be all someone this accomplished would need from me. With my work schedule, there simply was no extra time to give anyway. But quickly, I became her daily caregiver in every way, as we embarked upon a six-month journey together in which I made sure she had the medical and personal care she needed, and the companionship she longed for. 

When Phyllis finally lost her tough and long battle with cancer, I was the only one to say goodbye — and I was left alone to sort through the pieces of her life, making sure her final wishes were respected.

This six-month detour of my own work and life had become unbalanced. However, the experience  had a tremendous impact on how I view my own life now. Professional success is sublime, but it’s not going to be there for you when the career is over. Material things don't matter in the end. We need people in our lives who care unselfishly for our wellbeing. 

Phyllis’s last six months were some of the worst times of her life, but we both found something incredibly valuable in our time together, too. We taught each other and talked about the true meaning of life, success, and what’s waiting for us all at the end. 

Since her death, I’ve been focused on making significant personal changes. If you’ve ever watched “It’s a Wonderful Life,” you’ll understand how I felt after seeing what the future could look like if I didn’t do a better job of implementing work-life strategies that I always encouraged my own team to embrace, but rarely prioritized  for myself. This experience gave me another chance to start fresh and change how my story ended. In this past year, I made commitments to family and friends that usually get put on the “later” list. Later may never come, and if it does, all the professional accolades we receive today won’t matter in the future if we don’t have people to share it with. 

Before Phyllis died, her advice to me was to put personal first and work second, but blend them like a smooth cocktail so that you’ll have the perfect balance. Sadly, Phyllis learned that lesson too late in life. But after caring for her, it was easy to see what she meant.

Read more: 3 steps to help lift the burden off the shoulders of employee caregivers

A few days before I lost my new friend Phyllis, I shared a message with her that gave her a bit of joy at a tough time: “Keep your fork.”

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. She contacted her pastor to discuss final wishes, and after addressing funeral arrangements, made one final request. The young woman wanted to be buried with a fork in her right hand. 

As she explained to her pastor: “In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork.’ It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming, like a velvety chocolate cake,” she said. “I  want people to see a fork in my hand as they say goodbye and wonder, 'What's with the fork?’ And then I want you to tell them, ‘Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.’”

The next time you look down at your dessert fork, let it remind you, the best is yet to come. Just make sure you keep family and friends on the menu as you navigate and build your career.